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July 30, 2003
The Bells! The Bells!
A church gets some new bells, so they need to hire a bell-ringer. They put out an ad in the paper, and people start coming to the church to apply for the job and try out by doing their best ringing. One of the applicants that comes in is a guy with no arms or legs. The priest looks at him and wonders how this guy is going to ring the bells, but since the church is, after all, an equal opportunity employer, he lets the guy try out for the job.
The guy proceeds to hop quickly across the bell tower and smash his head on the bells. It makes an absolutely beautiful sound, one very different from the rest of the bell-ringers, and the priest hires the guy on the spot. That Sunday, the guy shows up to mass in a little bowtie, a little nervous, but very excited about his new job. He hops across the bell tower at full speed, puts his head down to ring the bell, and misses the bell, goes flying out of the bell tower, and lands below, dead. Everyone in the church runs out and looks down at the guy, wondering who he is. They ask the priest, and he says, "I don't his name, but his face rings a bell."
And yet, this is not the end of the joke. The dead bell ringer's brother wants to fill in for his brother, so he runs up the stairs to the belfry to ring the bells, panting, and just as he's about to ring the bells, he falls over dead of a heart attack. Everyone hears the thump and runs upstairs to see what happened. When asked again if he knew the person, the priest replies, "I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
And now, finally this terrible, terrible joke is over
Thanks to Uncle Roy in Picayune, MS for this one ...
Up in belfry
Sexton stands
Pulling pud with clawlike hands
Down in pulpit
Parson yells
"Stop pulling pud, pull f***ing bells!"
And finally, not very bells related, but I enjoyed it anyway:
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a ring on the doorbell. When he opens it, he is confronted by a big deliveryman, clutching a clip board and saying, "Special delivery. Couldya sign 'ere?" Behind him is an enormous lorry full of car exhausts. So Nelson says to him, "Sorry, I think you've got the wrong address", and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a ring on the doorbell again. When he opens it the delivery man is back with a huge lorry, full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, saying, "Special delivery. Couldya sign 'ere?" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he says: "Now, look, I told you yesterday you've got the wrong address! I didn't want the exhausts, and I certainly don't want brakepads!" Then he slams the door in the deliveryman's face. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a ring on the doorbell again. He opens the door, and there is the same delivery man with the same clipboard, saying "Special delivery. Couldya sign 'ere?" Behind him are TWO huge lorries full of replacement car doors, engine parts, the lot. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he grabs the delivery man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I didn't want the exhausts, I didn't want the brake pads, and I don't want car doors and engine parts! Don't you understand? You've got the wrong address!" The delivery man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "Are ya tellin' me you're not Nissan Maindealer?"
Goodnight.
Posted by daen at July 30, 2003 12:04 AM